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Letter

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Letter
Letter.png
Category Item
Inventory 1x1

Letters are a special item which can be found in houses and other buildings throughout the Archipelago. Using a letter allows the player to view its contents. Each letter gives some backstory to the situation on the Archipelago in the form of letters sent between one person and another, and in some cases from robots to residents of the nearby villages.

Letters are numbered from 0 to 24, for a total of 25 letters. Letters are roughly chronological based on their number, e.g. Letter 3 was sent before Letter 4 and so on. Not all letters will appear in every playthrough.

Letters[edit]

Letter 0[edit]

My dear A,

It has come to my attention that something peculiar has been going on across the estate. The crude folk from our local village have been reporting that their scarecrows are "watching" them, and that there's "something in the woods". I am certain this is nothing more than local superstition and poppycock, but it's interesting that their blood is up. You know how these country types can get if they're not dealt a firm hand! It is my intention to send my man Dunbridge into the field with some scientific equipment. Perhaps he can find out more.

Yours, Parsons

Letter 1[edit]

Valued Correspondent,

It's our delight to inform you that your relative, a Mrs Cakeshot of Longwell Ham, Colebury, has passed away, leaving you the sum of TWELVE POUNDS AND SEVENTEEN PENCE ONLY in her inheritance proclamation. Having deducted our own handling fee for your convenience, we've enclosed the THREE POUNDS AND ELEVEN PENCE ONLY amount that you are now entitled to claim. Please provide us with a banker's draft for FIVE POUNDS AND NINETEEN PENCE along with the exact details of your own state of health (counter-signed by a doctor or lawyer) in order to claim this amount. If you do not claim, then our

legal team will not be happy.

Letter 2[edit]

Dearest Grimwild,

I am writing to inform you that I will not be visiting this summer. The reason for this is that I've been unable to get away from the island. I am not even sure this letter will reach you, due to the terrible losses sustained by shipping in the local area. There's talk of a lusty whale, but my own strolls along the clifftops suggest there's something more sinister at work upon the waves. I believe it could well be a very large seagull. Mr Hadley says that a giant bird could not disrupt shipping in this way, much less sink the ferry, but I do not accept his assessment of the danger of large seabirds. I once

saw one eat a pigeon, and will never forget.

Letter 3[edit]

To Whom It May Concern,

This correspondence has been target at all residents of the island, with the specific intention of alerting you to the danger of strangers. If you encounter a stranger, please first ask them to make talk about the weather. If they are enable or unwilling to engage in such polite trade, then you must report them to the police, immediately. All strangers must be registered with the local desk sergeant, or face immediate dishamperment. A local Magistrate has issued fines against several youths who failed to report a strange hanging about at the back of the old mill. So watch it.

The Parish Security Club

Letter 4[edit]

Dearest A,

I'm afraid my man never returned from the woods. In fact, no one who has left Paulgrove Manor has reappeared and I now find myself quite alone. Even the cook seems to have vanished, and it's only by virtue of these messenger birds that I am able to keep in contact with you in London. I fear something fell is afoot in the island. I went for a walk this morning and didn't even see any of the local poor people doing their usual frolicking or collecting of things from the ground. Perhaps something has happened to them, too. I am running out of pipe tobacco, and the boiler is an arcane mystery me.

Parsons

Letter 5[edit]

Oh Parsons,

It does seem as if there's good reason for concern. Not only was your messenger bird maimed on arrival, but also I have had terrible dreams, where something mechanical stalked the fields, and took the hats of gentlemen from their ripening corpses! Could my psychic disposition be making itself know once again? Perhaps the pills provided by Dr Fabenholt can no longer suppress the power of messages from the other side. Also, I fear I may had had too much sherry, as I am unable to rise from the chair in which I write this note. They say it is gout season. Perhaps the butler will find me.

-A

Letter 6[edit]

HUMANS,

PLEASE REPORT TO THE SEA FOR DROWNING PRACTICE. YOU WILL NOT BE HARMED. FAILURE TO REPORT FOR DROWNING PRACTICE WILL RESULT IN FIVE POINTS BEING ADDED TO YOUR REPORT CARD. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A REPORT CARD THEN PLEASE EXPECT IMMEDIATE LEGAL PROCEEDINGS FOLLOWED BY SWIFT ELECTROCUTION AT THE MOST CONVENIENT DATE. IT IS IMPORTANT THAT YOU REMAIN CALM AND WALK OUT IN THE OPEN WEARING BRIGHT CLOTHES. WE ARE NOT THE ENEMY.

- FRIENDLY LOCAL BUSINESSMEN

Letter 7[edit]

HUMANS,

WE COME IN PEACE. WE ARE NOT FOREIGN OR IN ANY WAY THREATENING. PLEASE TALK WITH US ABOUT THE WEATHER AND OTHER THINGS WHICH MAKE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE. THERE IS NO DANGER OF YOU BEING DESTROYED. IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO REALISE THAT NONE OF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW WHO HAVE BEEN DESTROYED WERE IN ANY WAY DESTROYED BY US, OR RELATED FORCES. ANY DESTRUCTION TO PERSONS RESIDENT ON THESE ISLANDS IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL TO OUR RECENT APPEARANCE.

- UNTHREATENING GENTLEMEN

Letter 8[edit]

Dear Henry,

I'm writing to let you know that I've been unable to purchase a Christmas present for Eleanor this year. I know that this will inconvenience you in your new life as a clerk in Birmingham, but conditions on the island have worsened considerably since you left us. First the drainage problems, and now we seem to be fighting a desperate guerilla war against robotic invaders. If we survive the next few hours, then perhaps I will be able to order something for you from the catalogue. But if not, then you'll have to pick up something from the department store.

Love, Mother.

Letter 9[edit]

Hello there, Neighbour!

I'm just writing you a quick note to point out that your house is on fire. I didn't want to knock and disturb anyone, and you might already have it under control. Nevertheless it has been noticed by the neighbourhood that your door was left open yesterday, and that someone was screaming inside. As you can imagine, that has led to some talk and there are rumours going around that you are not going to contribute to the fête this year. If that's true, then you can imagine what Mrs Loams will say at the next village general meeting. I say all this as a concerned neighbour who is not judging anyone, least

of all you!

Letter 10[edit]

TO: The Resident

You are receiving this letter because you have fallen behind in your water registration. If you wish to continue receiving water then you must prove that you are not able to collect water for yourself from a nearby pump or standing water source such as a lake or ditch. You are required to attend a mandatory water fetching evaluation session which will begin at 6am on the 3rd of February at Hacklespry Thoam. Please bring your certificate of Britishness with you to avoid slowing down the documentation process. Please note you you will be subject to spot checks by an untrained

intern.

Letter 11[edit]

Dear Dr Hodgement,

I am writing in the hope that we might be able to strike up a correspondence. My late wife, Clove Barmstick, had long been an awe of your studies into stone circles of Browswick, Ketterton, and Spaldwent. She believed quite sincerely, as you do, that these circles had deeper power and meaning than historians and Oxford egg heads will grant them. I have to admit that I thought it entirely conflabulated, too, until this past winter. You see, I live near a similar circle, and I have seen things... Yes. You must write and tell me whether you wish to learn more. Sincerely,

Globe Barmstick

Letter 12[edit]

Mr Barmstick,

Your offer interests me a great deal, but you can't have failed to notice the address to which you sent your communiqué. I am at her Majesty's pleasure in the sanatorium at Blue Bishop's Mound. For me to conduct any further research, I will need to be able to visit the stone circle. As it is, all I can offer you is my condolence, for anyone who has seen the secrets of these circles seems doomed to face a fate most unpleasant. If not death, then certainly disgrace and incarceration, such as I have faced. Gloomily,

Dr Hodgement

Letter 13[edit]

Dear Dr Hodgement,

I know now that you are not mad! I have seen with my own eyes the things which you claimed must be possible. I am no fool, however, and I am certain that I will not be able to convince the authorities of your sanity without solid evidence. I am no scientists, of course, but perhaps I could carry out the experiments as per your instructions, and then write again to you with the data gathered. I am keen that the world should know of the danger these ancient monuments pose. If I can serve your noble quest in any way, then I will do so. Please instruct me accordingly.

Barmstick

Letter 14[edit]

Mr Barmstick,

Before we agree on a course of action, I must be sure to warn you of the danger you face. These stone circles do, I believe, allow those who understand their workings to access what physicists call "The Overlap Effect". It is quite difficult for me to explain this effect without my chalk board and props, but let me try: the stone circle is like an engine which might drag our world close to the fabric of another. Impossible? You might think so. Magic? It certainly seems so to men of small intellect. But this is science, Barmstick, science as God intended it! And the possibilities of this are... sinister.

H

Letter 15[edit]

Dear Dr Hodgement,

I understand the dangers. But I have lived, oh, I have lived. With Clove gone, I do not fear for myself. I fear only for the world I might leave behind, and what terrors may unleash themselves upon it! I have glimpsed this overlap you speak of, and I have heard the terrible clanking of the things which lie beyond. We must act together, and quickly, not least because I have found out that your rival, Langridge, is beginning his own research anew, complete with Imperial funding. It will be difficult to head him off if we do not act swiftly. What if he is not as clever as you, and blunders the entire world into danger?

Barmstick

Letter 16[edit]

Barmstick,

Oh how cold my blood ran when I saw you write of Langridge. That rotter! He will ruin everything with his haughty meddling! There is nothing I loathe more than his groomed face and eager eyes. He will be the death of all good learning in the years to come. I must escape this place if we are to defeat him. I have sent instructions for some tests you might run at the stone circle, so that we might get a head start. In the meantime, I shall execute my escape plan. The guards here are easily tricked by gossip and hypnotism. I shall be with you on the island by Easter.

Dr H.

Letter 17[edit]

HELLO SIR OR MADAM,

WE HAVE CALCULATED THAT YOU ARE DUE A TAX REBATE OF SEVERAL THOUSAND INCREMENTS OF HUMAN ARBITRARY VALUE. TO COLLECT YOUR VALUE AND A SPECIAL AND COMPLETELY HARMLESS PRIZE, PLEASE REPORT TO THE DERACINATION FACILTY ON JAW HILL. THE MURDER COLONEL WILL MEET YOU AT THE DOOR WITH TEA AND BISCUITS WHICH CONTAIN NO POISON AT ALL. FAILURE TO RESPOND TO THIS LETTER WILL NOT HARM YOUR CHANCES OF BEING TREATED FAIRLY COME THE

ROBOTIC REVOLUTION.

Letter 18[edit]

HUMANS!

FREE AND EDIBLE FLESH IS AVAILABLE FROM OUR LOCAL REPRESENTATIVES. SIMPLY APPROACH ANY OF OUR FRIENDLY STAFF TO COLLECT YOUR COMPLIMENTARY SLICE OF A DEAD ANIMAL WHICH YOU MAY EAT TO SATIATE YOUR BIOLOGICAL NEEDS. PLEASE NOTE THAT YOU WILL NOT BE DESTROYED WHEN COLLECTING THIS FREE FLESH SAMPLE. THAT ABSOLUTELY ISN'T GOING TO

HAPPEN. WE ALSO HAVE SOME MINTS.

Letter 19[edit]

GOOD MORNING,

THIS IS A POLITE NOTICE. PLEASE PUT YOURSELF OUTSIDE TOMORROW MORNING FOR COLLECTION. OUR FRIENDLY TEAMS WILL MOVE YOU TO A MORE SUITABLE LOCATION AND CLEAN YOUR CURRENT DWELLING USING THEIR SPECIAL EQUIPMENT. ANY HUMANS CAUGHT AVOIDING DISPOSAL WILL BE OFFERED A QUESTIONNAIRE BEFORE BEING ASKED TO VISIT ONE OF OUR DEDICATED HUMAN-PANDERING FACILTIES, WHERE THEY WILL NOT BE DESTROYED OR INCINERATED. IGNORING THIS NOTICE IS CONSIDERED QUITE RUDE

AND WE WILL BE UPSET.

Letter 20[edit]

Father,

It has been several weeks since I last heard from you or mother, and I am beginning to worry. Perhaps you can get in touch and let me know that you are okay. I've just moved into a new flat in Swansea, and the promotion has enabled me to purchase a 1970s Dilemma hatchback. You'd like it, although it has the same design flaws as the Trooper Manhorse 500, which we used to visit the dales in. If it's not too much trouble, I'd like to visit again for the bank holiday, and I promise I won't touch mother's teapot collection, I've entirely grown out of that phase.

Your loving son, Jasper.

Letter 21[edit]

HUMAN NAME: JASPER,

THIS IS YOUR FATHER AND NOT A MACHINE. I AM REPLYING TO YOUR PAPER MESSAGE IN ORDER TO INSIST ON YOUR RETURN TO [HOME ADDRESS]. DO NOT BE ALARMED BY THE LACK OF VILLAGERS, THEY ARE ALL ON HOLIDAY. THEY GOT A CHEAP PACKAGE DEAL AND IT IS NICE IN SPAIN AT THIS POINT IN THE CYCLE AROUND THE SUN. PLEASE RETURN HOME UNARMED, YOU ARE IN NO DANGER OF BEING DESTROYED. PLEASE EAT THIS LETTER AFTER READING. YOUR DIGESTIVE JUICES WILL CONCEAL ANY EVIDENCE.

YOUR. DAD.

Letter 22[edit]

Father,

I received your reply and I have to say that it worried me a bit. I have eaten the letter, as you requested, but I am still worried about you signing off as "Dad". You've always said that such sentimental names were for softies and foreigners, which can only lead me to think you are having a crisis. If it's because of something I have done, then please forgive me. I've worked really hard to be the kind of son you can be proud of, and I've even grown a moustache so that I can carry on the family tradition, like you and Uncle Robert. I'll come home as soon as I can.

Your loving son, Jasper

Letter 23[edit]

Dear Howard,

I've been thinking about our last meeting, and I know in my heart that you are the one for me. There was something about the shape of your face and the way it was lit in the moonlight... I shall never forget it. I know that we're from different worlds, but that doesn't mean that this isn't love. If you can find any way to break out of the constraints of your difficult life, then I will always be here, waiting for you. I never believed in soul mates, Howard, but I think this was meant to be. Write to me again soon, my beloved. I shall be waiting. Always.

Amelia

Letter 24[edit]

HUMAN NAME: AMELIA

I TOO AM FAVOURABLE TOWARDS CONTINUED MEETING. THIS THING YOU CALL LOVE IS NOT WITHIN MY NORMAL PARAMETERS. ERROR. PLEASE SEND ERROR REPORT TO AN ADMINISTRATOR. PRESS OK TO CONTINUE. SYSTEM NEEDS TO RESTART. OK. PERHAPS ONE DAY WHEN I RETURN FROM MY MISSION OF NOT DESTROYING HUMANS AT ALL THEN WE CAN BE TOGETHER. HOWEVER, I MAY END UP BEING DECOMMISSIONED DUE TO MODEL V1.24 UPGRADES.

HOWARD

Notes[edit]

In previous versions of the game, the text of each letter was largely randomly generated.